Confession...one of many

I'm a hypocrite.

For some of you who know me, you may be shocked by that statement. Others may be somewhat surprised (either by my admission or my candor). Still others may be thinking to themselves, "I knew it!"

I was driving home from the lake a couple of weekends ago when I came to this unpleasant conclusion. It was not a total surprise to me, but I had a poignant moment of self-realization along the way. It was a beautiful morning. The sun had shaken off the cover of the clouds. On the radio, Garrison Keillor was telling tales of oblivious turkeys and dead squirrels on "A Prairie Home Companion." I was lost in the experience of driving and listening and singing and laughing. All was peaceful and right with the world until some jerk in a luxury sedan blew past me in the left lane. "Idiot," I thought to myself (not daring to say the word aloud...and lacking anyone to hear it). "He must be doing at least 80 in a 55 zone," I continued in my head. "Maybe he'll get pulled over by a cop," I thought wishfully.

I looked down to find myself doing 62 mph in that very same 55 mph zone.

So, there it was: my hypocrisy. Of course, I tried to explain it away at first. "He's driving much faster than me. Everyone else is driving this fast. I'm a good driver." Yet still, I was left with the fact that we were both breaking the law. I slowed down. A little.

It seems to me that there are two kinds of hypocrisy: (1) the "I am not as bad as you" type, and (2) the "I am better than you" version. I suffer from both.

In high school, I was a rabid not-as-bad-as-you person. I didn't smoke. I didn't drink. I didn't try drugs or sleep around. I was not bad; therefore, I was good. Or more to the point, the people that did those things were bad; therefore, I was good. But what about my other failings? My self-centeredness? My emotional immaturity that ended up hurting friends? My failure to reach out to those around me?

High school also saw the development of my better-than-you tendencies (which I battle to this day). Laurels such as grades and awards eventually gave way to salary and position. But the temptation is the same: to declare myself better than so-and-so. I've gotten really good at confining these thoughts inside my head. I hold my tongue. I take no action. But still the thoughts fly in like an afternoon thunderstorm. Every now and then I get knocked down a notch or two. As painful as it is, I'm almost grateful for the perspective it brings.

So what's the point of all this? Self-flagellation? No. It's confession and commiseration. Surely I'm not the only one who struggles with pride? Surely I'm not the only one who's a hypocrite? So, how then can I (we) battle this formidable foe? Here's what I've decided to try:

1. Perspective -- There are plenty of people who are "better" than I am. They make more money. They give more time to charity work. They hold positions of far greater influence. They'e just plain more important than me.
2. Self-awareness -- I've got plenty of junk in my closet. You know, the stuff in the back you don't want anyone else to see. We've all got it. Some people deal with their junk better than others. It's easier to avoid concentrating on the speck of dirt on someone else's shirt, when I am fully aware of the smudge on my own.
   
3. Service -- If I ever get too full of myself, it's a good time to stop and serve someone else. To consider another person better than myself is therapeutic. Acting as servant (instead of master) tends to rake the sand trap of my life -- it smooths out the rough spots making things beautiful again.
4. Love -- To love someone is to want the best for them rather than yourself, to put their needs above your own. Love does not find fault nor does it look down upon. Love is the great equalizer.

So, what now? When I hear of a someone in the midst of an affair, I'll remember that I am capable of lust. When I read of a crime, I'll recall my capacity for greed and anger. When I meet someone who has made a bad decision in their life, I'll try to reach out in service and love. The sad part is that I know I will fail. I will, at some point, look down my nose at someone. But, admitting I'm a hypocrite is half the battle. Just don't judge me too harshly...